Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
