I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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