This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
