when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
