Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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