im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Of course I have a pirate flag
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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