my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
