sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
