my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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