im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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