I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
