I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
