She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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