i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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