so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
