I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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