I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
