so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
