They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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