Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
