You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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