I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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