Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
