i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
