if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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