Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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