The maid of honor just puked.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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