When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
