my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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