ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
