Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
