sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
