Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
