well you can't waste a boner
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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