On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
