so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
