I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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