I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
