I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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