I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
