In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
