I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
