Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
