Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
