The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
