I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
