Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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