good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
