So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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