Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
