you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
