Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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