Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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